I WAS WAITING FOR YOU AND MY SOUL WAS RESTLESS
Maurine Borsu, 31 mai 2006
I wanted to die…
My head is spinning like in a real vertigo, the true vertigo not one of anguish. Finally! I smile.
Have I taken enough to wake no more?
My mother… will surely cry… so much the better.
I feel that I am leaving, I’m flying, and I’m gliding…
Oh my God, I don’t feel the pain any more.
“Life is suffering and death is its deliverance.”
Here are my last words on my desk, before I overdosed
Oddly enough I can look down, and see myself.
How pale I look and all crouched up in a heap…
I forgot to turn off the radio, so what!
If mother could see me…
Here I am in the kitchen.
I felt nothing.
Mother is cleaning beans. She looks out the window; my father won’t be long coming home.
There is a large black tunnel opening up, I’m afraid.
I move forward, I see a spark afar.
It grows to an intense light that doesn’t blind me.
I feel drawn to it I NEED this light.
Someone is there. I can see him.
He is beautiful; light seems to emanate from him. I draw close to him. He smiles at me. I want to cry so much because of the love I feel. He understands me, and really loves me.
Never I had felt so good: he was all sincerity.
I feel it, I see it, and I know it.
His voice is a melody as he speaks to me and shows me my life.
I can see myself when I was six years old, stealing candies from the corner grocer.
I had forgotten this moment. He laughed with me.
There it was the last year, I had given all my pocket money to a homeless person who had approached me.
I had offered to have coffee with him and we had spoken.
I didn’t feel any pride for that but, I it did make me feel good and I now know what he had felt.
I can see my mother. I feel her heart breaking with sorrow.
I have this terrible feeling of emptiness.
She is crying over my dead body.
Mother, forgives me, I didn’t want…
Meanwhile He’s still looking at me, with compassion.
Behind him, approaching in the shade, are men.
I recognize them. It’s my grandfather and my uncle.
Granny is behind them.
They smile at me. They missed me!
I missed them.
And here I had believed I’d never see them again…
I want to hug them so bad.
Grandfather stops me and points out the small peaceful river separating us.
I understand then and the impossibility to cross it; and if I did, I would never be able to backtrack.
He told me that he loves me but it’s not my time yet, and tells me he will wait for me.
I have to get back now; they are all waiting for me!
I hear equipment flickering. I have a sore stomach and sore arms. My head feels like a lead balloon…
With great difficulty I open my eyes… My mother is there, smiling at me through her tears.
No, It really wasn’t a dream because I can still feel the intense warmth at the bottom of my heart.
I don’t want to leave and only asks for one thing: to finally die.
But I wait I wait… I wait for my hour, I wait until He comes back for me.
(60 years have now gone by)
Finally! Because I hadn’t dared hope any more to …
I’d been waiting for a long time!
Here we go, I’m flying, I’m gliding, and I’m smiling.
I can’t feel my rheumatism any more.
I see my daughter and my three grandchildren sleeping peacefully.
Goodbye, my angels, I have to leave.
The tunnel is there; the spark is there and grows in intensity.
He’s there, He loves, He comforts and He smiles to me.
My life unravels before me. I tried my best, and yet I don’t feel proud at all.
Time doesn’t exist any more.
They all are there, waiting for me my husband, my parents, and grandparents.
I find myself facings two marvelous valleys, identical and yet so different…
He looks at me and wants to love me. I look at other side and see only me.
I must CHOOSE To give my all or to keep everything.
I want to love him. I‘m in tears over this and beg his forgiveness.
He loves me so much, whereas in my life, I had disavowed, betrayed, and lied to him … I am worthless, I am NOTHING!
Forgive me I cried… He wrapped me in His love and Mercy. Our souls intermingled He is beautiful… Thank you…
I was waiting for you…