I wanted to die…

My head is spinning like in a real vertigo, the true vertigo not one of anguish. Finally! I smile.

Have I taken enough to wake no more?

My mother… will surely cry… so much the better.

I feel that I am leaving, I’m flying, and I’m gliding…

Oh my God, I don’t feel the pain any more.

“Life is suffering and death is its deliverance.”

Here are my last words on my desk, before I overdosed

Oddly enough I can look down, and see myself.

How pale I look and all crouched up in a heap…

I forgot to turn off the radio, so what!

If mother could see me…

Here I am in the kitchen.

I felt nothing.

Mother is cleaning beans. She looks out the window; my father won’t be long coming home.

There is a large black tunnel opening up, I’m afraid.

I move forward, I see a spark afar.

It grows to an intense light that doesn’t blind me.

I feel drawn to it I NEED this light.

Someone is there. I can see him.

He is beautiful; light seems to emanate from him. I draw close to him. He smiles at me. I want to cry so much because of the love I feel. He understands me, and really loves me.

Never I had felt so good: he was all sincerity.

I feel it, I see it, and I know it.

His voice is a melody as he speaks to me and shows me my life.

I can see myself when I was six years old, stealing candies from the corner grocer.

I had forgotten this moment. He laughed with me.

There it was the last year, I had given all my pocket money to a homeless person who had approached me.

I had offered to have coffee with him and we had spoken.

I didn’t feel any pride for that but, I it did make me feel good and I now know what he had felt.

I can see my mother. I feel her heart breaking with sorrow.

I have this terrible feeling of emptiness.

She is crying over my dead body.

Mother, forgives me, I didn’t want…

Meanwhile He’s still looking at me, with compassion.

Behind him, approaching in the shade, are men.

I recognize them. It’s my grandfather and my uncle.

Granny is behind them.

They smile at me. They missed me!

I missed them.

And here I had believed I’d never see them again…

I want to hug them so bad.

Grandfather stops me and points out the small peaceful river separating us.

I understand then and the impossibility to cross it; and if I did, I would never be able to backtrack.

He told me that he loves me but it’s not my time yet, and tells me he will wait for me.

I have to get back now; they are all waiting for me!

I hear equipment flickering. I have a sore stomach and sore arms. My head feels like a lead balloon…

With great difficulty I open my eyes… My mother is there, smiling at me through her tears.

No, It really wasn’t a dream because I can still feel the intense warmth at the bottom of my heart.

I don’t want to leave and only asks for one thing: to finally die.

But I wait I wait… I wait for my hour, I wait until He comes back for me.

(60 years have now gone by)

Finally! Because I hadn’t dared hope any more to …

I’d been waiting for a long time!

Here we go, I’m flying, I’m gliding, and I’m smiling.

I can’t feel my rheumatism any more.

I see my daughter and my three grandchildren sleeping peacefully.

Goodbye, my angels, I have to leave.

The tunnel is there; the spark is there and grows in intensity.

He’s there, He loves, He comforts and He smiles to me.

My life unravels before me. I tried my best, and yet I don’t feel proud at all.

Time doesn’t exist any more.

They all are there, waiting for me my husband, my parents, and grandparents.

I find myself facings two marvelous valleys, identical and yet so different…

He looks at me and wants to love me. I look at other side and see only me.

I must CHOOSE To give my all or to keep everything.

I want to love him. I‘m in tears over this and beg his forgiveness.

He loves me so much, whereas in my life, I had disavowed, betrayed, and lied to him … I am worthless, I am NOTHING!

Forgive me I cried… He wrapped me in His love and Mercy. Our souls intermingled He is beautiful… Thank you…

I was waiting for you…

Maurine Borsu